What’s It Like?

I just watched this video on Instagram where the wife is in the hospital, just having given birth to their child, and the husband is asking her to watch their other children while he runs an errand for a “couple of hours”.

I. Am. Triggered.

So the rabbit hole I’m currently in is this, how absolutely jealous I have been, over the years, of mothers who have had partners that made pregnancy a beautiful experience.

Like, what’s it like to tell a man you’re pregnant and him react with love and excitement?

What’s it like to have an attentive partner that isn’t put out by your weird pregnancy cravings?

What’s it like to have a partner who sees you at your most vulnerable and actually supports you instead of looking for a million ways to escape?

Three times, and I don’t know what it’s like. But, I do know what it’s like to trust your husband to do your claw machine route while you’re in the hospital recovering, and I know what it’s like for him to not only cheat during that time but also steal the money from the machines, subsequently getting me fired.

What did he do with $1500 in one night? We’ll never know.

He made every pregnancy something I had to survive, not something I could enjoy. He made parenting seem like a chore, and he made clear his time was more valuable than mine.

I gave him three children all while feeling pushed by my community to stay and repair whatever his fucking problem was, which was that he just didn’t like me, literally.

I started dating him because my mother said he was a “young Jimmy Stewart”. They went to the same church. She thought he’d be a good influence on me.